“If these findings hold up,” (no pun intended, I’m sure), “then it’s perfectly reasonable that men should be encouraged to masturbate,” says Anthony Smith, deputy director of the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society at La Trobe University in Melbourne.

Blindness and hairy palms are a thing of the past, in part because the latest research shows that frequent self-pleasuring could protect against the most common kind of cancer: prostate. Suddenly I can see, and I feel so protected…